Hey readers. Today I am revisiting a topic I’ve already written about: Growing.
I’m sure many will agree, during this pandemic we’ve all been forced to grow in different ways. If you are like me and have had to deal with things like depression, anxiety, and anger issues, then being stuck inside probably didn’t help the situation. You are not alone in this struggle of having your problems be exacerbated by Covid-19.
As we saw in the beginning domestic abuse cases shot up because we were all forced inside. This meant victims had less time away from their abusers daily. We saw the rise of hate crimes arose towards the Asian American community. There has also been the sustained abuse against the Black community. We’ve seen heinous hate crimes and law enforcement abusing their position. In addition to this there is growing tension towards immigrants from an array of countries. Since this pandemic began many things have changed. Thus, creating new problems in addition to making already existing problems worse. Given these high-stress situations on top of the advent of an easily transmissible virus is more than our brains were ever meant to handle. Due to this we have all been forced to grow to accommodate whatever new situation we find ourselves in.
Today I’ll be writing about my experience and how I have grown during this challenging time, but I would love to start a greater conversation about collectively how the world has grown through this time. Feel free to comment your own experience.
This past summer I have had a few instances where I’ve met someone new and was told I am “intimidating”. Which boggled me because I know how much work I have done to get to this point, and am just doing me. The fact that anyone would see me as having my shit together is astounding, because I know how far it took to get me here.
The area where I needed the most growth was self-love. At the beginning of this pandemic I did not love myself nearly as much as I do today. Without self-love you let yourself stay in situations you shouldn’t, maybe out of comfort, or apathy. Without self-love all the other issues I outline before were that much harder on me. Because I lacked compassion for myself I could not show myself leniency when I messed up. Treating myself with kindness, and giving me space to just be on my hardest days was necessary for me to even begin changing for the better. For me self-love began with simply looking in the mirror every day and saying “I love you and _.” and filling the blank with something relevant to that day. I also did the following exercise.
- You write a list titled “Things I like about myself” and write any and everything, filling a page of loose-leaf.
- Then at the end you cross out “Like”, replacing it with “Love” and recite the list in a mirror.
After this I meditated. I did guided meditations on treating yourself with compassion, but more on meditation later. I left the list out in a place I’d see it daily and would re-read it when I felt I needed a boost. Developing compassion for yourself is something that will benefit literally anyone in the long run. You can’t escape you, so you may as well learn to accept yourself for what you are: a being that changes every second, literally. A marvel but also a work in progress.
Anxiety and Depression are mental illnesses that often afflict people my age. I was diagnosed in 2013, and I have had many ups and downs. I have discovered through working on my anger how parts of my traumatic childhood have set the stage for my mental illness. It has helped me approach them more easily during my “waves”. When I am stressed I do not have a lot of mental clarity. I tunnel vision myself into whatever it is I am focused on, good or bad. On my worst days, especially at the start during lockdown, I was at a loss. I used have a lot of expectations of myself difficult day or not. On unfavorable days, I cannot meet the same standard of “best” as I do on my greatest days. Realizing that my best is not linear each day was really freeing. I give myself space to just be on days that are terrible. Tomorrow is going to be there, but getting through the day safely becomes the task at hand. Meditating to figure out why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling, or even to just clear out depressing thoughts was also really helpful. It helped me focus on the small steps to have a better day than I would have had. Not all of your thoughts are true. Through meditating, learning how to dismiss destructive or untrue thoughts is extremely liberating. I still have bad days, because that is life. The difference is I choose to go on, that my bad days are not the end, just a pebble on a long road.
In a world where there is so much to be angry about, I find it hard to control what I say when swept up in my emotions. I generally don’t get angry about small stuff, or when in conflict with strangers. I can overlook a lot. On the flip side, when with people I am close to, I definitely let my expectations of situations, the people I care about, or even myself affect me when angry. It is something I mentioned in my previous growth post, and an area I have made a great many strides in. I have gotten a lot better at diffusing and reacting in anger. I take deep breaths so I can respond kindly. Furthermore, I have an array of resources to help me after the fact. This includes writing, meditation/breath work, and a consequence/counter statement chart. The most helpful thing I’ve learned was not designed specifically for anger, but a more general purpose. It works greatly for anger all the same:
event → outcome → reaction
Your reaction should be determined by the outcome you want, not the event.
Remembering this has saved me a lot of would’ve-been conflicts. Despite this I am far from perfect, so if you have any in-the-moment techniques that help you with anger please comment down below.
I used to loathe asking for help. I’d often treat asking for help as a last resort. I take pride in my work and loved doing things myself for two reasons. Firstly it means all the glory is due to me when I succeed. Secondly it also means if I fail I have no one to blame but myself. It requires me to trust no one but myself. I’ve since learned that asking for help is better than trudging through whatever task I am doing. I don’t know everything. Not only that, but I cannot do everything alone, or on my own. Admitting that I need help does not make me weak, inadequate or anything else my anxiety or insecurities would have me believe. It does mean that I have the wisdom to know I can outsource, and to trust others to do their part.
The one thing that helped me in every area, a habit I started but did not practice as consistently since my last post was meditation. Meditation allowed me to love myself enough to want to change, and gave me the patience to tackle these things and get through the change. It helps me stay grounded in stressful situations. Meditating carries me through my depressive episodes and anxiety ridden moments. It helps me greatly when angry and grants me clarity and overall mindfulness. Meditation is a habit that took months to really get into. It is hard to start, but entirely worth the results. I use the timer and guided meditations on the app Insight Timer. It’s free, and I am not getting paid to promote their app. I actually just really think anyone seeking to get into meditation would benefit from downloading it. Feel free to friend me on there too, to see what I’m meditating to. It also helps you track your progress. Since downloading the app (sometime in early 2019) I have meditated 1082 hours as of today and I am thankful for that time well spent.
Your mind is somewhere you spend a lot of time, so make it a nice place to be.
It probably is taboo to throw all my problems out there, but I say these things so that I can accurately depict how much I have changed since the pandemic began. I publish this in hopes to hold my future self accountable, so that when I look back I can see progress instead of steps backwards. These are all things or areas I have had to work on, day in and day out. Despite all of it I can still be the bubbly positive person I am because I choose to do the work. Lastly, I write in hopes that others will see my progress and inspire them to start or continue a journey of their own. I believe the world can become a significantly better place if we all make efforts to better ourselves.
Thanks for reading!