Hello readers.
I’m still working on my website (If you have advice on how to code custom WP pages hit me up!! I have questions about Ads), I had some trouble with some clients and upwork but I am over that hump now. I couldn’t secure an internship this summer and as a result and am looking for part time work. I finished the semester with flying colors… in 3/5 classes. Hoping for a better next semester. Still alive. I wish to find a mentor, but am shy and also don’t always like people, which is a problem, I feel like either my standards are too high or the people I’m meeting just aren’t that great.
Growing is what I want to talk about today. Lately I have been working on myself a lot. I am not where I thought I would be when I moved out three years ago. I write that now, and it seems so short, yet I know so much has happened. I thought that I’d be living without roommates by now. I thought I would be well into my career by now, but I am only at the beginning and it’s frustrating. To feel like I am brimming with energy, creativity, ideas and potential, only to bust my ass on jobs that limit me so I don’t become homeless. I have too many great ideas that sit in a drawer simply because other things are taking priority right now. I am not fulfilled. One thing this feeling has taught me is that I need to learn some patience. Things don’t always operate on your projected schedule. I want to so badly graduate college, I do not regret my gap years, but it’s hard to be left behind. But I’m back in school and I’m trying my best. I hope that counts for something.
I have been working on my rage. I moved out when I was 19 to get away from my abusive father. I resent him, for a million and one reasons, but being angry all the time, does nothing to further my life. After we lost his mother’s house (my childhood home) just months after I moved out, he went MIA. Off the face of the earth. Probably changed his number because he won’t pick up when his mother calls. He didn’t help his sister pack, or try to help her, It was just me. He just dipped. I want to say that karma will get him. I want to say that he will understand how his abuse has affected us all, and will regret his actions, but I can’t. I know that I just want to be nothing like him. I know that I cannot waste another one of my precious seconds or brainpower on thoughts of him. Besides this post, after writing a therapeutic letter and finding a good rage song (my friends is actually in a band and this song is the best [saw them live, I would die for them omg]) listen here, I am moving past that issue. I just know that I want to end the bad cycles he put me through. I want my future kids to enjoy their childhoods, to feel like I care about them, that they are worthy.
Another thing I have been working on [thanks to a push from my partner] is to be more proactive. This for me usually means asking for help before I actually am in dire need of it, financially. In general I have been better with asking for help. It’s just hard getting over the initial “I need help part”. I like to do things on my own. That way I’m the only one to either praise or blame. If people help me and I fail I’m letting them down. If it’s just me, it’s just me. I pride myself in my independence but sometimes help is important. I’m still a little unconvinced if you can’t tell, but I can’t deny the fact that my friends, family, and partner have helped me and I appreciate their time and efforts. Needing help doesn’t make me inadequate as a person.
Last but not least, being kinder to myself, self love. I saved this for last because it is the hardest for me to talk about. I have hated myself for so long, until now. I can’t even recall when it began. I know it starts with my father’s unnecessary commentary, but when did I begin to internalize it, when did it become my norm? I honestly have no idea. I am mad at myself because I feel like I should be further in life. Because I feel I am not good enough in more ways than one, it has limited me. But hating me won’t make me better. If I constantly focus on what is wrong I am not growing. I am not moving forward. Being nice to myself is so hard. Every negative self loathing thought feels like a battle. Dismissing these thoughts (luckily) gets easier as I go along. Even looking myself in the mirror is hard, but doing it each day and saying an affirmation, makes it… doable. Metal really helps. Feeling all that rage and knowing you’re not alone? [seriously tho checkout that link above] I am sure of myself. I have been for years, but I want to be able to be proud of myself. To think I am deserving of love, to think I am deserving of good friendship, to give myself some credit. To wake up and know that I have worth, simply because I am here, that I am worthy, that I am doing my best, and that that is enough.
I am ready to love me. I am ready to let useless rage go. I am ready to both ask and accept help. I am ready for abundance. Thanks for reading.