I recently watched a favorite youtuber of mine, lavendaire and she had a video about journaling + self discovery. Here is the reader-friendly version of it. I started these at the beginning of the month, instead of all in one day. This did come from my journal/diary, I have changed names to protect the people in my life’s privacy. This was before developer week, and before/near the growing pains post.

How do you feel at the moment?

I feel lost. I feel like I know what I want and I know what I need and those things are not in the middle of a venn diagram. They are separate right now. I need income. I want to freelance full time. I want to be well off, I don’t want to struggle. But maybe I need to. I feel upset. I did a forgiveness meditation today and I just felt so fake. The meditation said, “forgive yourself, you did your best.” but I feel like it’s just not true. I think I could have done better. I could have force myself up and out on my bad days, but I didn’t because I felt shitty. Would I have passed if I went to my classes and didn’t fall behind? Yes. 90% certainty. Depression fucking sucks. Poverty sucks. I deserve better.

What do I need more of in my life?

Money. Money is the main thing holding me back. I tell myself it comes easy and frequent but lately it has been hard. I want to go on lavish dates, I want to dance (badly but idc) at clubs, I want to do fun things that cost money with my partner, I want to go out and do fun things with friends. I want a spa day where I do everything I haven’t been able to. I want to act like money isn’t an issue. Self love. I fucking hate myself yo. It’s so hard to like me. I feel like an unfinished piece of art. I feel like I know who I want to be but I am not them. And it fucking sucks. When I was 17 I thought I would have at the least my own studio by now. At least one App on the app store with 100 dl’s. I was supposed to be hot shit in my own fucking way, but instead I’m this nobody who keeps failing classes. And I’m just stuck with me. This shell of “want” but without any of the gusto, confidence or can-do. Motivation. Motive to work, motive find a part time job, motive to workout, motive to put myself out there. Time. Time for my needs, time for my wants.

What would make me happy right now?

I feel like the above sort of went into it. Oodles of money, time, to be farther along in life. To like myself.

What is going right in my life?

My love life. Every other area could use work. My partner makes me feel worthy of love. I feel so messy and yet he still wakes up and cherishes my company for some reason. Yeah, I’m nice, yeah I’m tough, yes I’m kind, but none of that counts for anything if I’m always struggling.

What am I grateful for?

-My relationship / his existence in my life

-My friends

-My good clients

-My brain

-My laptop

-My room

-I haven’t had any recently, but Bud (Legalize it!)

-SNAP and fair fares

-This journal, like the ability to be able to vent

-Good people. People who get it.

When did I experience joy this week?

Earlier this week my friend S and I drove out to Robert Moses Park. We are going to go there for my birthday which is coming up. Sometimes and I skeptical of S(in his energy he can be really negative sometimes and I worry I won’t be able to be around him). We haven’t hung out alone in a while. But I had a great time actually. I burned out towards the end, but that was understandable. The beach+good company always brings me joy.

List my small victories and successes:

-This week I painted

-This week I played Minish Cap, a zelda game I’d never played.

-One of my clients finally responded to me, and I started to work

-I had a really good interview, even if the job was not right.

-I was real with myself in a letter I wrote to dad.

What’s bothering me? Why?

Me. I thought I’d be farther by now. It’s frustrating because it’s just me.

What are my priorities at the moment?

In this moment I am focused on Applying to part time jobs, upwork jobs and scholarships. Anything else is really secondary. Maybe trying to type once a week and start flossing daily.

What do I love about myself?

This question reminded me to do my affirmations, I will make a mental note to be better with them, at least once a day. It’s so hard for my to make eye contact with myself and just say those 3 affirmations without crying. I know they are true, so I’m not sure why I am crying. I guess because I feel like I haven’t had the opportunity to be kind lately, or be creative. Intelligence is necessary for work, but weirdly it was the last one I said, and the one that had me break down. I think I know they are true but don’t believe them. I don’t know how that’s really possible. I can only hope saying them each day will make me believe them. To answer this question, I will go with: that I am someone worthy of my partner’s love. Because right now I don’t feel so great about a lot of me.

Who means the world to me and why?

My partner obviously. Because he is generous and kind hearted. My head is in a bad space. I won’t say more than that to keep it positive. That one quality of his has won me over time and time again though.

If I could share one message with the world, what would it be?

Get the fuck off of your high horse. We are all flesh and blood. We are all human. We all deserve a safe place to rest our head and food to eat and clothes on our backs. We all deserve respect.

What advice would I give to my younger self? [Do I take that advice now?]

I think a lot about this one. Would I go back and time and tell myself to starve? No. I would go back in time and tell myself that instead of taking out target, and paypal credit cards to apply to SNAP then. If I had been on SNAP sooner I wouldn’t have racked up so much debt, and could have saved. I would have been banging last summer enough to come off of it with better savings. So, my advice would be to ask for help more, whether it be the government, my friends, family or my partner. I do take this advice now.

If I had all the time in the world, what would I do first?

Honestly, I would choose leisure first. I feel so, restricted right now. I want to paint, I want to draw, I want a massage, I want a spa day. I want to relax until I get bored and then want to work. I want to write. I want to dance. So much repressed desire because business comes before pleasure.

What is draining my energy, how do I reduce or cut it?

I feel like cutting my bad client off was the correct call. He was draining a lot of energy and creating unnecessary anger. I don’t think anything is really draining me except like existential dread of needing to work to survive. But that’s just life.

What does my ideal morning look like?

I like this question, I can try to implement.

I wake up refreshed at 8:30am.

I meditate for 10 minutes, or mind splat/morning pages.

I make breakfast and eat.

I brush my teeth

I work out

I shower

I begin to code.

What lesson did I learn this week?

“Do not confuse setbacks for settling.”

It is the 29th secret of Paul Angone’s “101 Secrets for your twenties.” Needing part time work isn’t settling. It does not mean I am a failure because freelance work isn’t as stable. It’s just what the situation happens to be. I’m sure when I have more experience it will all seem silly I was upset. So I’m continuing to interview and apply for Administrative jobs.

What does my ideal day look like?

I wake up refreshed at 8:30am.

I meditate for 10 minutes, or mind splat/morning pages.

I make breakfast and eat.

I brush my teeth

I work out

I shower

I begin to code

I take a lunch break, maybe a bus ride to the water or a walk.

I come back and code or apply to jobs and scholarships until 5pm

I cook and eat dinner

I watch some anime or play a videogame

I clean my space

I meditate

I sleep.

What makes me come alive, when was the last time I truly felt alive?

Concerts. Swimming in the ocean. So at the beach last week. But moshing and screaming lyrics I love really gets my heart pumping, both literally and figuratively with love. Nothing else really gets me like the pit. Exhilarating energy and love.

What/Who inspires me the most? Why am I drawn to those inspirations?

Billie Joe Armstrong, Marsha P. Johnson. Hayao Miyazaki.

Billie is Tough. He is my Bi icon. His era of music just makes me feel understood, my anger at the American government, my in my feelings. His voice and Green day in general make existing easier.

Marsha, also a LGBT icon, inspires me with bravery, courage. I am wearing a pride shirt right now, because it is Pride Month, and her efforts to simply be accepted as a trans black woman paved the way for many young queer people today, especially here in NYC. She is dear to my heart. She is a martyr because shortly after the first pride her body was found in the Hudson River. She died fighting for our rights. A noble person she was. I aspire to be as dedicated as her.

Hayao Miyazaki reminds me that life is whimsical. Life is amazing. It is adventurous and worth being vulnerable for amazing endeavors to bloom. All of his movies give me that everything is going to turn out fine feeling.

Where does my pain originate? What would need to happen for me to heal.

I think my pain comes from me. Specifically Emotions, Depression, anxiety and self worth issues, which stem from dad. Dad is out of the picture so what needs to happen is that I continue to learn to enjoy my own company, being nicer to myself, and learning to in general be patient. Healing takes time.

And well that’s all for this post. Thanks for reading!